Tips for Dealing With an Upset Customer

From time to time, you will have to deal with a customer or client who is very upset. No matter who is to blame, it is always important to keep a few principles in mind to improve rather than deteriorate the situation with the customer. Here are some tips for dealing with an upset customer:

•   Get angry. Your own anger will beat down the customer's anger to a bloody pulp and will help flourish the situation. Large movements of the arms and tight fists help a lot in this occurrence. Make an angry face. I like to call it my war face. It helps project your negativity over the phone and works wonders in person or face to face.

 "You want a piece of me!"

•   Never try to see things from the customer's point of view. Let's face it, you don't want to be a customer and you have better knowledge than the customer. No need to reduce yourself to their level.

•   Thank the person for taking so much of your time. Emphasize the importance of respecting authority, mainly you, in this case. Explain how much more important you are in your line of work than they are. Compare yourself and your work to that of a doctor working in Africa for no money.

 "I'm like a doctor..."

•   Listen for an underlining weakness. Sometimes the irate caller has one you can utilize and bring forth within the argument. Such as stuttering, slurring and food eating. All of these can and should be brought up during the conversation for total effectiveness.

 "Just because I eat while talking to you on the phone doesn't mean I'm fat!"

•   Ask questions about their personal life and immediately explain how much better yours is.Say your probably going to take a few days off and will have to deal with their issue when you get back from your imaginary sabbatical.

•   Explain your going to lock their user ID, delete their information and cause their lives to be a living nightmare. Also fill out human resource documents on their behalf. Survey request and seminars insure that they will be bothered everyday. In a global organization try doing this in China and Russia using their home or cell phone. This allows total coverage of annoyance throughout all timezones. Like Sandra Bullock in The Net they will have to rebuild their lives within the company. I'm sure they will appreciate the effort you put into this.

•   Always show an obtuse attitude towards the customers and an unwillingness to resolve the problem or conflict. Make the resolution seem as a far unattainable goal, like mount Everest. Make it seem like these goals require an enormous amount of work from you as well. Make it seem like your one of the slaves building the pyramids in the hot sun.

•   Be realistic. Cite policies over and over because customers need to be told more than once in order for the policies to sink into their quicksand like brains. Repeat these over and over eventually brainwashing them into understanding. Like the Cardassians brainwashing Captain Picard in Star Trek The Next Generation, you will have to convince clients and customers that there are five lights even though there are only four.

 "There are five lights, believe me. You look tiered."

•    Always use a fake name when answering the phone. I have a list of twenty next to my monitor. A through Z. Clayton and Vladimir work wonders sometimes. Use a western accent and call them partner ever so often.

•   As a last resort, offer to have your supervisor talk to the caller. Then promptly hang up on them. With a fake name and an accent who's to say who this yahoo talked to? Besides your supervisor has no time to waist on unintelligent banter about what you may or may not have done or said.

"Here's the supervisor for you... Hold Please!"